What Was Lost
by Alphia
Summary: Alternate ending fiction. CullenxTrevelyan I have some ideas for where this might go, so we'll see.


**Last Night**

Sybil stared up through the hole in the ceiling at the full moon. Cullen's gentle snoring was the only sound, all of Skyhold was asleep. She quietly slipped from the bed pulling on her clothes as she moved towards the ladder. She glanced back, Cullen was so peaceful. The nightmares seemed to be less and less frequent lately. He claimed that it was because of her, but she hoped that wasn't true, she wouldn't always be there to chase away the bad dreams.

She slid down the ladder silently and went to the window, peering out into the night. The moonlight made it easy to see the bridge that lead up to Skyhold and the horse carrying two hooded figures trotting up to the main dead of night was a more appropriate time than most she supposed. She made her way down to the gates and arrived just as the guards were cranking them open. A stocky guard stood in the path of the horse.

"Maker's breath! It's the middle of the night," He growled, "What is your business here?"

"Be easy, Soldier" Sybil interjected, "They come at my request."

Her guest lead her horse around the soldier, her passenger's hood had slipped back far enough to expose a tattooed jaw and a sulky sneer. The horsewoman, however, kept her hood pulled low as she dismounted.

"You know who I am?" Sybil queried the confused guard and his partner working the gate wench. Not all Cullen's soldiers knew her on sight.

"Yes, Inquisitor." The guard responded, though as he addressed her by her title his surprised partner let go of the gate wench and it dropped the last couple of feet with a crash.

"Good," Sybil replied, "You will speak to no one of this."

"But Sister Leliana..." The guard started.

"This is a direct order, Soldier." Sybil said firmly.

"Yes, your Worship." The two chanted in unison, saluting her as she turned, leading the two hooded figures to the stables.

"Must we be so conspiratorial?" The woman asked leading her horse as she fell into step

besides Sybil. Her companion following closely behind.

"Probably not," Sybil replied, "You're the one who arrived in the middle of the night dressed like that."

"You said to keep a low profile." She said.

"Leliana is far too clever," Sybil said, "I'd prefer she not find out what I'm about until it's too late to..."

She trailed off clearing her throat. A hand fell gently on her forearm.

"Are you sure this is the only way?" She asked.

"No," Sybil said sadly, "But it is the best way. Come, we'll speak more on it when we're somewhere private."

No one was in the courtyard leading to the stables, but she had already taken so much care with her secret, why stop now? The stables were also empty, the fire next to Blackwall's woodworking bench had burned down to embers. She lept up the ladder leading up to the loft and searched around. She knew Blackwall sometimes prefered sleeping in the loft to his quarters.

"No one's here ." She said jumping back down.

Lilah Hawke pulled back the hood of her cloak, her short cropped bright red hair drew the eye even in the shadows of the stable.

"Alone at last..." Hawke said, her lips drawing up into the cock-sure grin she always seemed to wear.

"If secrecy is our aim, then we should get on with it." Hawke's elf companion said, his own hood slid back to reveal his face. He was fair to look upon, but most elves were, his appearance spoiled only slightly by the grim expression he wore. His large green eyes seemed to be measuring Sybil as he looked at her.

"Ah yes, but first introductions." Hawke said, taking on an air of mock formality, "Inquisitor Trevelyan, may I introduce my husband, Fenris."

"A pleasure," Sybil said bowing slightly. The expression on his face softened, in Sybil's experience most elves were sadly taken aback by the slightest courtesy by a human.

"The pleasure is mine, Inquisitor." He responded with a measured bow.

"Great, let me take care of my horse and then we can talk." Hawke said, leading her horse over to a stall.

Sybil moved to follow her, but a hand fell on her shoulder stopping her short.

"I owe you my gratitude, Inquisitor." Fenris said in a low voice.

"What for?" Sybil asked, turning to face him.

"Hawke told me about what happened in the Fade." he said, "How she offered to stay behind.

It is only by the grace of your decision that she still lives."

"It was not a decision that I made lightly," Sybil said grimacing, remembering that terrible day, "A good man died in her place."

"Good people die every day, especially during war, because of you, she was not one of them. If she had died, I don't know what would have done." Fenris said, a sharp edge in his voice, "So... thank you."

Sybil only nodded back at him, somehow his gratitude only made her feel worse. She had been so close to leaving Hawke behind in favor of Stroud...

"Alright, horse is all tucked in," Hawke said.

Sybil walked over to the corner of the barn and shifted a stack of hay. She bent down and stuck her hand into a large knot in the floor boards and pulled up revealing a trap door.

"Follow me." she said and jumped down into the narrow tunnel.

Solas had told her about the secret tunnels and passages of Skyhold. At the time she had doubted the usefulness of such secrets, but here she was, sneaking about like a thief in her own keep. Hawke and Fenris fell in behind her following closely in the darkness and after a few turned passages and a long climb she pushed on a wall and it opened up into her own quarters. The servants had started a fire in fireplace but had not lit any candles. Long shadows danced across the room as the fire flickered in the cross breeze from the open balcony doors. Sybil went to her desk, pulling a key from her belt pouch and opening one of the drawers. She pulled out a large stack of letters and parcels tied together with twine, and another letter she had just finished that evening. She rested her hand on the stack, remembering the hours of work she had poured into its creation. A knot began to grow in her stomach.

"This is the conclusion of my affairs." She said after a moment's silence, "Once word of my death reaches Skyhold, I would appreciate it if you will see them properly distributed."

Hawke moved to stand in front of the desk, for once not grinning as her eyes fell on the stack beneath Sybil's hands.

"And this," Sybil said handing Hawke the loose letter, "Names you my successor as Inquisitor."

Sybil had no idea if she had the right to appoint her own successor. Such a situation had never come up in the history of the previous Inquisition. But since Hawke had been the original choice for Inquisitor she saw no reason for her suggestion to be rejected. Hawke stared down at the letter in her hand.

"You are certain you want to go through with this?" She asked.

"Morrigan's plan may work," Sybil said, "And if it does, what does it get us? Corypheus' death and the breech closed, but what of the rifts? Gaspard will not wait for us to finish mopping up that mess before preparing Orlais to invade Fereldan. The Inquisition must consolidate its power to head off war and avoid further bloodshed. Alexius' plan will allow me to kill Corypheus and close both the breech and the rifts in one fell swoop. If it costs my life to make it so, then I will count it a bargain."

"A hard struck bargain," Hawke said, "No one else know of your plans?"

"Aside from the two of you and Alexius there is only one other that knows, there was no way to prevent his knowing, but he has promised to keep silent on the matter. My friends..." Sybil smiled sadly, "Not a single one of them would let me go through with this without a very long argument, and a few of them would lock me in my own dungeon to keep me safe. I would not burden them with this choice, it is mine, and mine alone to bare."

"And the consequences of that choice will be theirs to bare." Hawke replied sadly.

"You will see them through it. If half the things Verric says about you are true then I have no doubt you are equal to the task," Sybil said, "You and Fenris can stay here for the time being, I would ask you to wait until I've been gone for a least a day before making your presence known. Consider these chambers yours from this point on."

"I would not put you out," Hawke insisted, "You should still try and get some rest tonight."

"I intend to," Sybil said hesitantly, "I will be spending the rest of the evening in Commander Cullen's quarters."

"Oh..." Hawke said, raising a narrow eyebrow, "So the rumors are true then?"

"There are half a dozen rumors claiming I'm sleeping with any number of my personal retinue." Sybil replied, "One of them happens to be true. I will ask that you take special care with Cullen. He will likely be least pleased by what's to come, but he is strong and he's gone through worse and come out clean on the other end."

"We will do what we can for him." Fenris cut in.

The elf had remained so silent during the whole exchange that Sybil had expected he wasn't paying attention at all. He looked troubled, perhaps he was still thinking of what he would have done had Hawke died. The knot in her stomach tightened and felt like the twisting of a knife in her gut. In the weeks she had spent tying up the loose ends of her life she had tried not to think about what it would truly mean for those closest to her. She could put it from her mind no longer. She came around her desk... no Hawke's desk now, and reached out a hand.

"Sorry to leave you such a mess, my friend." Sybil said, shaking Hawke's hand.

"Messes are my speciality," Hawke said, her signature grin returning to her face on, only a trace of sadness still hid behind her eyes, "Good luck, my friend."

"Master Fenris," Sybil said with a bow one which he silently returned.

Sybil left her quarters for the last time through the secret passage. She took a turn that would put her out on the battlements. A wave of nausea passed over her, a thing that had become common recently. Her nerves were fraying. She paused for a moment resting against the cold stones until the nausea passed. 'You only needed to keep it together a few more days,' She said to herself, 'Just a few more days...' The mark on her hand tingled, and the hair on her arms raised.

"Cole," She said, she turned her head slightly and could see him standing next to her.

"Please don't do this," Cole begged, "Raw, roiling, red. Grief that cuts bone deep. You'll hurt them much more than you think."

Cole wrung his hands anxiously as he looked at her. This was not the first time they had this argument, but it would be the last. Still his words struck her hard, guilt pierced her heart like an arrow.

"It hurts you too, you don't want to die." Cole said, 'Why are you doing this?"

"You've been out there." Sybil responded, "You've felt the suffering caused by the rifts, by the war. People are dying by the thousands every day..."

"And I want to help them," Cole interrupted, "I don't know if I can without you, at least, I can't help nearly as much."

"I want to help them too, Cole," Sybil said softly, "That's why I need to do this. I can stop the rifts, prevent further war and stop the killing. Our friends will hurt after I'm gone, but they will heal in time. The dead cannot heal."

Sybil could see the tension in Cole's body loosen, he nodded.

"You'll help them through this, I know you will." Sybil said, she paused hesitating to ask the question that had been weighing on her mind all evening.

"Cole, you can make someone forget someone else." Sybil said carefully, "You made that Templar forget you."

"Yes…" Cole said, "Sometimes it's the only way to help the hurt."

"Can you make someone forget only parts of the time they knew someone?" She asked, "Not make them forget the relationship entirely, but change it."

"I think I could," Cole said after some thought.

"Could you… could you make Cullen forget me?" Sybil's voice cracked as she asked, "I mean, forget the… intimate time we spent together."

"No." Cole said shortly.

"Could you not even try?" Sybil taken aback at his curtness, Cole was rarely curt.

"I could, but I won't." He replied, crossing his arms, "A thousand pins, pushing, piercing, puncturing. It's always there, right below the surface, except for when he thinks about you. The love pushes the pain away, it makes it ok, makes him ok. If I take you away, he'll notice. A part of him missing and he won't know what it is, or where it's gone, or how to get it back."

"That does not make this easier," Sybil sighed, "But it was never going to be easy."

"I guess not," Cole said looking down at his feet sadly, "I'm sorry. I wish I could make it easier, you are my friend, and I'll miss you."

Sybil hugged Cole, his body went stiff at first but then relaxed though he didn't hug back.

"In time, I'll become only a fond memory," Sybil said, "You'll be ok, you will all be ok."

She wasn't sure if she meant to reassure him or herself.

"Yes…" Cole said though he didn't sound entirely convinced.

She left Cole, there were no more words left to say. She made her way swiftly back to Cullen's office, wondering how many hours she still had before dawn. She topped the ladder and was surprised to find Cullen awake. He propped himself up on his elbow the sheets slid down exposing his bare torso. His golden hair, mussed by sleep, curled down around his ears and forehead almost covering his eyes. His eyes were filled with concern. Sybil was certain she had never laid eyes on anything more beautiful. She wanted to stand there and look at him all night.

"Where were you?" Cullen asked, breaking Sybil's thoughts.

"I went for a walk to clear my head." She lied as she began to unbutton her shirt, "What lays before us, so much rests on our success."

As he watched her undress a smirk began to pull at the corner of his lips.

"Is there anything I can do to help put your mind at ease?" He asked in a low, sultry voice.

"I could think of a few things," She said pulling off her small clothes and tossing them to the ground.

She started at the foot of the bed and crawled her way up his body planting kisses along the way. There was nothing that she could do to protect him from the heartbreak of her death, she knew that. But one day his heart would heal, maybe he would fall in love again, maybe he would have children and live a long and happy life. She prayed he would, even though it twisted her heart knowing that she would not be a part of that future. Sill, she had one last night and she would make the most of it. She straddled him feeling the heat radiate off his body. She drank it in, every sigh, every kiss, every thrust, as if she were a woman dying of thirst. And when they were both satisfied she fell back onto the bed, her body throbbing echos of their lovemaking. She tried to cling to it, but like sand slipping through her fingers the feeling faded until only the warm afterglow was left. Cullen propped himself up again looking down at her, his brow once more knit with concern.

"That felt… are… are you alright?" He asked, reaching up sweep a loose strand of hair from her face and tuck it behind her ear.

"You worry too much, Love." Sybil replied, placing a hand on his cheek and drawing her thumb along his jaw, "Just… enjoy this with me. I don't want to worry about what happens next, I only want right now."

He nodded, wrapping his arms around her pulling her close and resting his head against her shoulder. They fell asleep like that. In the morning Sybil reluctantly untangled herself from him, leaving a sleeping Cullen behind as she began preparations to leave for Haven.


End file.
